Acknowledging Domestic Violence
Article initially published on August 2, 2022 in Le Courrier de la Nouvelle-Écosse.
I would invite anyone reading these lines to take a moment and familiarize themselves with or refresh their knowledge of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. It was proclaimed by the United Nations General Assembly in Paris on December 10, 1948. Thirty articles setting out, for the first time in history, fundamental human rights to be universally protected. Those very rights that are being violated day after day, all over the world. Also violated right here in our own backyards. It is time to have an honest look around and start acknowledging domestic violence. Time to realize that things are not always as they seem for people we meet, for people we know too, though we would have never guessed. It’s time. Time passing by relentlessly. Time standing still for someone out there at this very moment. Cases of domestic violence are being brought to light, day after day. Some cases so close by, persons of affection. Everyday faces. It is clear that some people around us are actually living in an abusive relationship, whether we are aware of it or not.
To set the record strait, whatever might be the dynamics within our own matrimony, this is meant to be our personal affairs, our privacy. As the way each and everyone of us organizes life at home on a daily basis is largely influenced by our age, education, our fundamental values, past experiences, cultural background, social circles, etc. The way we deal with the share of household chores, vacations practices, financial habits and even mere sex depends entirely of what we agree on as a couple. And what might be deemed by some as greatly unsatisfactory within a relationship might be entirely acceptable to another couple. But when it comes to domestic violence, it is simply NOT acceptable, NOT EVER. Acknowledging domestic violence is primordial. It may have happened only once, it is one time too many and the door is now open. It may have been an isolated event, because of substance use or abuse or for whatever other reason in the world, this is simply not negotiable. This cannot be tolerated.
Domestic violence spares no one. Across social classes and demographics. Neighbours, friends, colleagues. No matter the level of friendship we nurture with the victims… A barbecue shared on a nice Summer day or a friendly chat on a weekly, daily basis. Talking about the kids, about the dogs, the weather… Yet we might have no clue. Knowing that something tragic is hiding ? Only once things have escalated, uncovering the ghastly reality. But we need to know. Someone has to know. If you are in a toxic relationship, we need to know when there is still time to do something about it. If we don’t know your have problems, we cannot help you. If we don’t know you are being threatened, we cannot save you. If you are a third party and suspect something is happening to someone you know, then spark the conversation before the situation ignites. A casual, friendly conversation. There is no right way to do it, the subject is blunt, the exchange would be. But give this to yourself instead of remorse to dwell on if something was ever to ensue.
Domestic violence has always been there and will always be. This is a harsh reality and it has to be faced. Public inquiries on our very own Nova Scotian tragedy fed our weekly news not so long ago. Factual reports receding the human factor. Media wave after media wave, we keep hearing about domestic violence as victims surrender their last breath in the palms of significant others. Campaigns are set to build awareness. Our schools organize fundraisers and activities to condemn the acts and support our shelters. Today ? Radio silence. The dust has set and we moved on. So what happened ? Did our teens fundraised so much money and toiletry kit that they solved the issue ? The world simply continues to spin, chasing other conflicts deemed of interest, as it always does. Life goes on. Until next time. But action has to be taken in due time so that your life too can go on too, on to a brighter future.
A violent relationship is a train on the verge of crashing. You have to jump off and save yourself while you still can. If you put it off because people are going to “talk” well, truth is, they will talk, no matter what. People criticize noise levels in the city while praising the beauty of commemorative fireworks. And they move on. People condemn the use of pesticides while pointing out how untidy raw landscaping looks. And they move on. People complain about high speed driving in residential zones and about traffic calming measures. And they move on. People will talk about anything and its contrary and will move on. And you need to do just that. Talk to someone and move on. Reach out for some help, find more information here. Those resources have the tools to accompany you in this journey, and the structure to accommodate you and your loved ones.
If you are somewhat concerned about having to stay in an unknown shelter along with other individuals in crisis, resting your head tonight on fresh linens in a stranger’s house, well I can assure you it will be better than gathering pieces of your shattered soul on the kitchen floor. If you are unsure about making the right decision, with so many questions congesting your thoughts that you can’t seem to think properly, then stop and reset. Just like anyone of us sometimes wakes up in the wee hours of the morning, can’t find sleep and ruminates questions as trivial as “What will we do if I lose my job ?”, “How can I encourage my daughter to have healthier relationships at school ?”, “What will I remember if I ever get dementia ?” well those existential questions will become quite clear comes 6:00 am, 7:00 at the most. They will find their answers in sequence, quite simply and most of all rationally. And so will you once the first step is made. You will find your answers when time comes so just focus on one simple positive idea, grab your children’s hand, their favorite teddy bear, your ID and move out to start over.
Reach out to someone you know and trust. Call out to anyone really. Contact our representatives, find who acts in your region, find a set of female ears or their male counterpart, because needless remind you that domestic violence is genderless. Our elected members did not run for their position based on salary, they entered the race because of the power it confers. The power to stand out, to lend their hand and offer practical assistance to anyone who needs it. They are not too busy for you. They are here because of you, and they have access to a range of programs and services to make sure your situation gets better. You are not alone.
This is your life, your only shot at it for all we know. So don’t let it be silenced. Remember that no matter how much affection life brings you, love will come and go. You might have family and friends, new friends, summer friends, best friends forever and all in between, but the only one person that was there at your first breath into this world, witnessing your good days and bad days all along, your successes and defeats, all the way to your very last moments, is yourself. You are your best friend so treat yourself as such, with dignity, with love, be true to you and save yourself.
Article 1 : All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights.
